I have been a goody two shoes for most of my life, a straight A student, a people-pleaser who sought the approval of my parents, teachers, mentors. These habits may have benefited me as a child and even a young adult: I never got in trouble at school; I graduated from high school, then college; I got my dream job as a teacher. I’m convinced now, though, that rule-following is actually a huge impediment in my life, keeping me from my full potential and happiness.
As a (former) teacher, I always admired the movies that show heroic teachers. Many of them probably encouraged me to follow my dreams when I was in high school and college. If only I could make poetry come alive like the teacher in Dead Poets’ Society, challenge students to think outside themselves like the teacher in Mona Lisa Smile, uplift students from difficult life circumstances like the teacher in Freedom Writers. These movies are a dime a dozen. They show ultimate teachers, touching lives at every turn. This is what I wanted – to impact lives.
My own experiences in the classroom were nothing like the experiences of these teacher-pros. (Not to say that I didn’t touch lives, but certainly not in the drastic ways I hoped for.) I realize now that the movies I watched, even in trying to depict a reality I so desperately want to believe in, glamorized the teaching profession.
As a teacher, I was an employee. Many people think of teachers in terms of their relationships with students – which of course is the most fundamental part of the job. But I had a principal, a superintendent, and a school board to report to. I was responsive to local and federal government programs that dictated how I do my job. I followed the rules laid out for me, as best I could, because that’s what a good employee should do.
The student in me had learned that if you follow what your superiors want you to do, you will reap great rewards. Time and time again and starting at an early age, this was proven true for me. If I didn’t talk out of turn, I earned the teacher’s favor. If I studied for a test, I got a good grade. If I put in time improving my writing, I impressed my professors. If I finished my college degree and student teaching experience with excellence, I got a job. It was so easy to figure out: if I follow the rules, I get what I want.
Here’s the thing about all those teacher pros in the movie. They don’t follow the rules! All of the movies I mentioned earlier show “heroic” teachers who ultimately pissed off their superiors in order to achieve the greater good for their students. They touched lives by following their gut, not upholding inane rules.
Each year in my classroom, as more and more mandates came down the pike, my teaching became more and more inauthentic, more and more un-me. Oftentimes I felt like I was doing the exact opposite of what I needed to do in order to reach my students. For instance, I was required to teach a 2-week unit on state test preparation. Yuck! Instead of concentrating on skills that my students needed by having them read interesting material and respond with a creative activity I planned, I was handing out packets of test prep crap that would have bored the tears out of me when I was their age. I actually felt apologetic about my teaching so much of the time. But I was following the rules. I was doing what I was supposed to do. I was a good little teacher.
The burning question I had most of the time was, “Should I change my teaching practice so that I can reach my students and change their lives?” It seems like an easy question to answer. Most parents probably hope for a teacher who would scream “yes!” in response. I am ashamed to say that too often my answer was “no.” Why? I needed to follow the rules.
In small ways, I experimented with bending rules and was burned. Every. Single. Time. For instance, should I put off submitting my (useless, unhelpful, redundant, utterly pointless) lesson plans so I can throw together this awesome in-class activity for my students that involves group work and highlighters? Sure, but not without a reprimanding e-mail and a vague threat about my performance evaluation. Should I delay inputting grades online so I can give my students actually helpful feedback on their writing? Sure, but not without a talking-to from my boss. Should I off-road the curriculum with this fantastic article I found that my students would love and that could generate amazing analysis? Sure, if I want to set myself off pace with my co-workers and get reported to the department chair or principal.
Many people would say – including my bosses, I’m sure – you can have it all! Follow the rules! Touch students’ lives! Trust in the system! I’m sorry, I don’t believe this. I never once saw a benefit (for my students) to following the rules as a teacher. A real teacher’s expertise is so nuanced and responsive to the actual human beings she serves. There are no “rules” to follow. The best teachers do whatever it takes – even if it means ignoring what they’re told to do.
This is one of the reasons I didn’t want to return to the classroom. While I realize that following rules is not the way to go in getting the outcomes I want (for both my students and myself), I have not been bold enough to follow my gut. I owe my former students an apology. I’m sorry for not doing everything I could do to change your lives. I’m sorry for not teaching you the way I wanted to teach you.
I’m convinced that leading an extraordinary life takes some extraordinary risk. I’m convinced that following the rules all the time is a miserable existence. I’m searching for the next thing, and preparing to rebel a little along the way. I wish I could have taught my students this.
Relaxaby 