Let Your No Be a No

I am frustrated with myself lately.  There is a mismatch between my priorities and my actions.  I keep investing time and energy in things that are not the most important to me.

This is an obvious one, something that I have probably mentioned here before:  my cell phone.  At night, when I should be spooning with my husband, I am checking Facebook & Words with Friends one last time before bed.  During the day, I respond to text messages or check my e-mail while my daughter is demanding my attention.  The two most important people in my life sometimes feel neglected by me, all because of a stupid piece of technology.  I am legitimately considering a cell phone downgrade.  Lots of people are evaluating how smart phones are interfering with the important people and things in their lives, so I know I am not alone in this.

I felt a similar sense of regret a few nights ago when I went out with a group of people, who I can’t really call “friends.”  They are more like mutual acquaintances – we have common ground but no deep ties.  Every time I am with this group of people, I regret it afterwards.  There is always lots of gossip and negativity.  I am not looking down on them because unfortunately, I participate.  This environment brings out quite literally the worst in me.  On my drive home later, I always feel like I am doing “the walk of shame.”  Ugh, I think, I hate when that side of myself comes out.  I feel embarrassed and want to take it back.  I wish I had instead spent a quiet evening with my husband and my girl.  The ridiculous thing is – no one forced me to go.  I voluntarily committed myself.  And why?

But here is where it gets more complicated.  Sometimes my actions line up with a really good cause.  Sometimes I am investing my time and energy in something that is good, but it still feels all wrong.  Currently I am working on an event that is good.  It is for a cause I believe in, it will bring people together.  It has all the signs of something great.  No one would question my reason for deciding to commit time to this.

However, this event is eating up a lot of my time.  Nap times are my current (and very limited) currency, and planning for this event is using up a lot of them.  I am building up a quiet, seething resentment.  All of the people working on this event have different motivations for wanting it to succeed, but one person in particular has more to gain than any of the rest of us.  She is controlling how this event unfolds, and is constantly asking more of me than I would naturally want to give on my own.  But, I don’t feel like I can gracefully say no because all of this is for a “good” cause.

I am upset that my housework has fallen behind, I don’t have as much time for pastimes I actually enjoy, and my daughter has probably felt neglected during my planning of this event.  I am very annoyed that I still have many more hours and several full days committed before this event is over.  But, I blame no one but myself.

I need to get better at saying no, to bad things, to unhealthy things, and to good things that are not in total alignment with my priorities.

60 seconds & never the same

Literally seconds after I published my last blog post, I got a call from one of my best friends.  (The kind I have written about in the past…the kind who would run in front of a bus for me, puts my needs in front of hers, routinely gives to me more than I deserve.  That kind.)  We were on the phone for less than 60 seconds, but her world, my world, our world will never be the same.  Her father-in-law tragically & unexpectedly took his life on Monday morning.  She and her husband were traveling to be with the family.  Would I let our other friends know?  Suddenly my stupid pensive questions seemed inane – I was immediately grounded.

Now I have new reasons to be pensive.  I have been carrying my friend, her husband, his family in my heart since that phone call.  I have not been sleeping well.  I have been worrying and praying.  I feel ill-equipped to offer the best comfort to my grieving friends, whose lives are dramatically changed.  I don’t know if I should be embarrassed about this or not, but I actually found myself googling how to comfort survivors of suicide.  I am afraid of a misstep, some thoughtless comment I might make in trying to be helpful.  (For instance, I read that you should not say someone “committed suicide,” that you should not offer judgments of the deceased, positive or negative.)  I want to get this right for my friends because they have gotten it right for me in so many of my times of need.

Yesterday Chris and I traveled to be at the services.  We want to be there for our friends and to give them some support or comfort while they continue to be rocks for the other surviving family members while grieving themselves.  I felt such a mix of emotions:  heartbreak for the widow & her sons; pride for the legacy this wonderful man leaves behind; awe for his handsome sons & their accomplishments; relief that I have not yet had to face the loss of a parent; uncertainty for the future of the family; anger that someone would cause this tragedy for my friends & their family; sadness that someone could lose all their hope in the world; fear that I may one day be unable to reach someone who needs to be reached.

I want my friends to know that, despite the fact that this tragedy will forever change their lives, it does not have to forever define their lives.  This suicide, this decision, was not theirs.  I don’t know what words of comfort to say because I don’t know all of the emotional nuances my friends have in their hearts right now.  I don’t want to utter something from a place of knowing it all, because I don’t.  I just want to listen and hug.

Brain dump, ugly questions style

• Why do I save my ugliest side for the people I love the most while I put on a good facade for acquaintances?  Ugh.
• Can I listen to music with terrible lyrics and still retain my morals?
• Am I a bad mom because I hate this stage of feeding Paige?  (Huge messes & fighting for each spoonful to make it in the mouth)
• Why does my mind stick on certain people that I would rather not remember (and probably shouldn’t)?
• Is there any really “safe” food to eat?  When I think I’m doing alright, I learn new information about how canned tomatoes are secretly killing us.
• Why can’t I be satisfied with my weight loss?  I’m finally under my pre-pregnancy weight but still struggling to accept my “new” body.
• Is couponing really worth my time?
• Should I disable Facebook from my phone?  Or better yet, should I downgrade my smart phone?
• Why can I justify watching something stupid and mindless on tv, but tell myself I am too busy/tired/sick to make time for exercise?
• If the grass isn’t really greener on the other side, why does my mind keep wandering over there?