For the past few months, my husband I have been trying to get pregnant. I guess we are technically at the 6 month marker of trying, though we did take a break one month because it would have given us a due date in the same month as Paige.
We had been aching to try for another baby sooner, but we willed ourselves to wait until Paige turned one. Right after her first birthday, we got busy. I wasn’t prepared for it to take any time since we got pregnant on our first attempt with Paige. It did occur to me that, hey, we might not luck out quite as easily this time around, but I thought after 2 or 3 cycles of trying, surely we would conceive. Here we are six months later. Had we been successful when we first started trying, I would be entering my third trimester. That thought stings.
I am trying not to obsess or worry, but this goes against my personality. Every month that I have taken a pregnancy test and glumly observed the single line, I have taken to the internet for suggestions on how to get pregnant faster. Are we doing something wrong? I thought my cycle tracker was accurate. Should I give up caffeine or other vices as a sign of good faith? Track my cervical fluid? Did we become infertile in the last 2 years? I didn’t know that secondary infertility is an actual condition. Thanks, Internet.
I realize that many people struggle like this and I shouldn’t feel alone, but I do. It’s not the kind of topic I am particularly interested in discussing with a bunch of people, even the majority of my friends. I just feel sad and worried about it all. Ironically, I have a friend who is going through infertility treatments with her husband and because I have no idea if my husband and I are actually infertile, I feel like I should keep my mouth shut about my frustration with not getting pregnant faster.
I am struck by all of these complicated thoughts, some of them totally irrational. Thoughts that I have had trouble verbalizing even to my husband.
For instance, was I (secretly) too smug about how little effort it took for us to get pregnant the first time? Is God trying to teach me some kind of lesson about humility or walking in someone else’s shoes? (As a Christian, I realize this is not how God operates, but I can’t help my mind from going there.)
Am I doing such a horrible job as a mom currently that the universe (God) thinks me unfit to bring another child into the world?
Will my husband and I be able to fulfill our family dreams? We are so grateful for our little darling daughter, but had hopes for more children, too. I wanted to be “done” having children by the time I turn 35, and now the timeline we had in mind is screwed up.
Am I being punished in some way? For not being grateful enough for what I have? For putting off having children so I could focus on a career and build a nest egg first?
Why are so many parents who are deemed “unfit” able to procreate easily, while other people who have stability and resources struggle to bring a child into the world? (I find myself judging other people’s situations in an unfair way, which I hate about myself. I had these feelings on behalf of my struggling friends even before I could relate to the frustration of not conceiving right away.)
Also, a big part of this issue is missing pregnancy itself. The joy of creating new life overcame me during a relatively easy pregnancy. There are few things (none, really) I would classify as perfect in my life, but the way I brought my daughter into the world is something, even with all of its technical imperfections, I felt happened perfectly. I LOVED being pregnant. I felt comfortable in my skin, even proud of my body for the first time in my life. Giving birth was the most rewarding thing I have done, hands down. I thought I would get the opportunity again, but now my dreams are threatened. I am trying to trust God’s timing.
Relaxaby 